Post-finals

My last several months and weeks have been filled with adventure, as is usual in my life. It has culminate in finals last week. This term for me has included (in chronological order) swine flu, trying to make pottery, food poisoning, dissecting a kidney, east coast trip, pneumonia, and finals (and these are just the highlights). Unfortunately my term hasn't included much blogging, but I hope to remedy that now that school is over.

The last week has been interesting. I finished school, and did well (which was actually a little surprising, it wasn't an easy term). I canceled a party at my house friday night because of freezing rain, I got a tragic pool playing injury (it's better now, but my finger really hurt for like a day), rescheduled my party for last night (fun and food with a few friends). I've had two clients vomit in front of me since saturday, and tonight I got news from nursing school.

I've been preparing myself for the worst for a few weeks, but it still feel really horrible. I know that last spring I got my hopes up too much about nursing school and subsequently crashed into the most difficult 6 months of my life. I did not want to repeat that. But once I found my inspiration again, remembered my desire to pursue nursing, it's only natural that I got excited. And I'm now equally disappointed that I did not get in.

I have an abundance of feelings right now. Why wasn't I good enough? Why should I keep trying? Was I just arrogant to think it was even possible to get into Johns Hopkins? I thought that getting into nursing school would fix how stuck I feel in my life. Stuck in Eugene, stuck at a job that I've outgrown, and stuck away from my family. But without the "quick fix" of my ready plan, my plan to escape all of this, I suppose I have to face myself and how I feel about my current state of life.

I guess I just have to face a bunch more uncertainty. I guess I won't be leaving Eugene in 2 months like I had despirately hoped. I guess I don't know where/if I will get into a nursing program. I guess it's probably OK to not know these things, although it feels pretty aweful right now.

European History

Monday marked the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. The wall was up for 28 years, separating Germany into east and west. The wall was constructed because 3.5 million Germans left east Germany for the freedom of the west in the years after WWII. After the construction of the wall 200 people were killed trying to escape across the wall. Up to 5000 escaped successfully using such routes as tunnels, zip lines, hot air balloons, or simply driving full speed through the check point. Finally, with thousands of people revolting in the streets of East Berlin, the wall was opened on Nov. 9th, 1989. Two days later the deconstruction of the wall began.

We all remember those powerful words of our great president,

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

And I Follow My Nose

My week, in smells:

Monday - On mondays I make dinner at Rain Rock, and it smelled amazing. Garden burgers and cheese!
Tuesday - Smelling my lunch heat up at school activated the smell receptors in my brain. It made me hungry and my Thai noodles were tastytastic.
Wednesday - Fall days smell like clean air and wet leaves. They also smell like cold!
Thursday - Kidneys, when dissected, smell like formaldehyde.
Today - Coffee, bagel, and orange for breakfast smell like comfort, warmth, and happiness.

The Unsinkable

Molly Brown - Born 1867 Margaret Brown is famous for her efforts to help survivors of the 1912 Titanic disaster. Molly was born to humble means and grew up in Missouri and later Colorado, where she married JJ Brown. Molly is quoted to say that she always planned to marry for money but then JJ came along and she couldn't help herself. Luckily he hit it rich with the Denver mining industry and Molly got to be rich anyway!

She is know as a socialist and womans' rights activist. When the Titanic was sinking Molly only entered a rescue boat when forced to and then took over her rescue boat, leading the women aboard to return and find survivor, although it is reported that they found none.

Changing seasons

I've had several indications this week that fall is here. First, I changed the air in my car from AC to the heater. And I don't anticipate turning it back for about 8 months. Of course school has started, and it is impossible to deny the new season when all of my syllabi say "fall term." I've also retrieved sweaters, scarves and gloves from storage bins. I even brought an umbrella with me to school this week, although like a true oregonian I did not use it.

No more leaving the windows down in my car. My shoes, which each have at least 2 places where I can put my finger all the way through the sole, may need to be upgraded. Cute hats and gloves are comin' back!

A Letter

Recently we had a young girl leave Rain Rock to go home and finish her last year of high school. She asked me to write her a letter, and this is what I wrote.

My Friend,
You are embarking on a wonderful and dangerous journey. I know that you are aware of all the traps and pitfalls, so I will speak to you of the joys.
I have seen your amazing ability for friendship and connection. I believe that t his is your greatest tool in this battle. Strive for self reflection and inner peace, of course. But never isolation.
Acknowledge and appreciate your strengths, but do so without arrogance. See others with eyes that do not judge, and just so do not judge yourself. When you sway from your resolve do not be downtrodden. Know that this is a part of your journey. Take the experience; make peace with those you have wronged; learn something about yourself; precede without guilt.
And always, my friend, seek Truth, Virtue, Beauty, and Wisdom. Through these you will find fulfillment, through that epic search. Remember those who love and support you. We will always be here for you.

Five Friends

I met you last week, and you said we connect. I see your value, I love your soul. I wish you knew your beauty, I wish you weren't killing yourself. Your heart needs love, your body need food. You allow yourself love, but not nourishment. I hope you don't have to die to realize that you want to live.

I met you two years ago, this month we became friends. You take care of everyone, the eternal big sister. Your soul oozes art, and you give it expression. I've seen your pain, I know your struggle. But know, little one, that you will find peace. You will fight and you will win; your prize will be safety. And know, sweet girl, that I will always love you, no matter the distance between us.

I met you five years ago, we were not instant friends. But now you are the world to me, you have been my salvation. Your path will change, our friendship will change, but I'm so happy for your new life. You have grown so much, with such keen growing pains. But the product is breathtaking, and you are beautiful. I will be there for you as you have always been for me.

I met you seven years ago, since then we've been friends. I admire your calm, it gives me peace. But don't be deceived, you have strength under the sweetness. You know what is true, and you fight for what is right. You will always feel like home to me, you will always be safe.

I met you twelve years ago, I haven't seen you for seven. We have seen the world like in a house of mirrors. The truth is evasive, and we have not agreed. Under all our love are layers of misunderstanding and distrust. I will always love you, but I struggle to believe you. I hope we can clear the fog, for I want to support you. I hope we can find what we had as children.

A weekend's Repose and an Old Hobby

After a stressful weekend culminating in a stressful friday night, I decided last week to take off work and take off for Reno. A delightful weekend was spent filled with sushi, music, a good friend, books on tape and a little gambling and absinthe, mixed with some GRE studying. I have to say that the opportunity to get away from Eugene and responsiblity was wonderful.
The next 6-8 weeks will be filled with new adventures, like taking the GRE, applying for nursing school (again), starting my last term of pre-nursing classes, and hopefully taking a sailing trip around the San Juan Islands.
The next 6-8 months might be filled with adventures too. I haven't ventured to dream for a very long time, but picking up on that old hobby is quite delightful. If I had my way my near future would involve vising orphanages in Africa and Asia, buying a sailboat, getting in to nursing school, and moving. Big dreams, but it's better than no dream.

self reflection

The last 3 months in my life have been a roller coaster ride. When reflecting on the changes, growth opportunities, and heart aches, I am constantly reminded to return to my core values and desires. The chaos of my job situation reminds me of my ultimate career goals and pushes me to pursue my education to that end. Broken romance reminds me that I am a person who spends my energy seeking truth, virtue, wisdom and beauty, and I cannot be with someone who doesn't value this as highly as I do. The darkness that I feel in my heart (a combination of personality, missing my siblings, and keen insight into the pain in the world) reminds me that I can see good and happiness if I look for it.

I am blessed with amazing friends and family who support me completely. I have a job that I am passionate about. My school studies are truly fascinating to me. This beautiful summer weather inspires me to hike, camp, and take bike rides. I play guitar and piano, ride my motorcycle, surround myself with the people, places and situations that I love. Indeed, there is much goodness to see in the world, if only I seek it.

A little summer crisis to keep me healthy

I haven't had time to post since my last post, what with working 3 jobs for a while plus moving. The new apartment is wonderful, but completely full of boxes which I haven't had time to unpack. The comcast guy came this week so I can actully get on my blog. I didn't have internet for couple of weeks. I still don't have a washer or dryer (going on 4 weeks now) but I'm going up to Portland today and I'm going to do laundry there.

Yesterday at this time I was unsuspectingly getting ready for work. It was my 9th day of training at my new job and the routine is in my body to be awake at 6 AM. I went to work and performed my morning tasks. At about 10 I had a meeting with the woman who was training me and the owner. They told me that they didn't think I had enough time to train and they didn't want me as a manager. They offered me a job as a caregiver. I'm not really clear about what happened; what they wanted from me that I wasn't giving them. I don't know what I could have done to show them that I could handle the job. Because honestly I would have done anything, and I would have been perfect for the job. I got the residents through lunch, turned in my name tag, and walked out of there forever at 1 PM. Oh what a difference a few hours makes.

I spent the rest of the day with friends. I filed for unemployment, hung out of Gary's (where the owner gave me free coffee because I needed it), and was encouraged and loved by friends. We went out for dinner and the waiter gave me a free drink and two free lunch coupons because he knows what it's like to be down on your luck.

I'm quite disappointed and even distraught. I'm hugely dumbfounded, self-conscious and embarassed. I was so happy and proud that I was offered such a cool job, and all of that pretty much has turned to embarassment.

But there are blessings in this too. I spent my evening with very supportive friends. Oddly two from Rain Rock and two from Elder Health, plus one from the upper peninsula. All of them were very loving and reassuring, and I couldn't have had a better evening. I can now go to my family reunion in MI in August. I wasn't going to go because I would be working. I have lots of new opportunities open for what I want to do. I liturally have nothing tying me down right now.

I definitely wish that that hadn't happened, beause it isn't fun. But everyone tells me that it's for a reason and won't feel so icky someday. And honestly I'm starting to feel that in my soul.

More updates later about my life, once I know I'll tell you.

change change change

This title is not a reference to popular song lyrics or the constant request that I get from friendly veterans on the corner of 8th and Washington (or almost any other Eugene corner, for that matter). Not, it is more a reference to my life right now. There is a lot going on.

I've settled in to the idea that I'm not moving next year and I'm not going to nursing school for the indefinite future. So what better to do in Eugene than get a new job and a new apartment?

Dad and I are moving into a little townhouse closer to Eugene. It is absolutely adorable and most definitely ours, provided neither of us has a criminal history. I'll post pictures when we've moved.

Much like my brother, I did not realize that we were moving until two days ago. And yet here I sit amidst all my belongings in boxes ready to leave either for Boise or the new apartment. Much thanks to my devoted Jessica for her help the last two days.

But I know that what you are all truely interested in is the new job. I have accepted a position at an elder care facility for folks with dementia. The company is a very nice, beautiful campus with about 9 houses, each of which has 11 residents. My job will be the Resident Manager of the Birch house. This means that I'm in charge of working with the families, medical team, and the reast of my team to take care of my 11 residents, as well as supervising my staff.

This job is a phenomenal opportunity for my career. It offers a lot of responsibility and new areas for me to grow. The company that I'm working for is amazing, and I know that they will offer all of the education, training, and support that I need. I will be working a normal 7-3:30 day, monday-friday. This means that I will have time in the evenings and weekends to join a knitting club, book group, take gymnastics, piano and karate. I'm also going to cook wonderful dinners, have friends over, take road trips, and learn to garden. Ambitious, you say? Maybe. But I'll sure try.

I am truely heartbroken at leaving Rain Rock. I will continue to work weekends for about the next 6 weeks to give me and Rain Rock the opportunity to adjust. I love what I do, and I love my girls and my coworkers more than anything. I have felt a heaviness for days, but as I get more excited about my new job and get used to all of these changes it gets better.

Change does not often sit well with me. I am very excited about my future, but right now I'm in that uncertain in-between. I suppose it's necessary to go through this place in order to get where I'm going.

A True Story

In a far off country, on a hillside, under the shade of the trees, within a cottage there was a child. She was a beautiful girl with deep brown hair and eyelashes that made everyone jealous. Growing up in the shade of her cottage the beautiful girl was happy. But as she got older she realized that this home was her parents, and she needed to find her own home.

The beautiful girl set out to find her new safe home, but she did not have the skills and tools to navigate the mountains, rivers, and meadows. She used only fear and confusion to guide her, and quickly she became hopelessly lost. For a long time the beautiful girl was so excited to be on an adventure that she did not realize how lost and scared she was. She knew only the dark forests and foreboding mountains around her, and she forgot all about the happy, safe home that she was looking for.

One day, as the beautiful girl pondered how to find her happy home, she met a gypsy child.

"Are you lost?" Asked the gypsy child.

"I am hopelessly lost." Said the beautiful girl.

"Would you like to find the place that you are looking for?" The gypsy child inquired.

"Very much so. Can you show me a happy home for me to live in?"

"I cannot show you your home. Only you have the intuition to find your home. But I can help you find your intuition."

So the gypsy child brought her back to the gypsy people. The beautiful girl lived with them for many months, learning how to follow her heart and her intuition instead of fear and confusion. At first she could not hear the voice of her heart. But finally she learned to separate her fear from her true intuition. It was her habit to listen to fear, and that came very naturally, but she knew that only her heart could guide her to a true, safe home.

Finally it was time for the beautiful girl to leave and find her home. As much as she loved the gypsy people, their home was not right for her. Before she left on her journey the gypsy child took the beautiful girl to the river to look at the stars. She gave her friend courage and confidence, because she knew that her path would be difficult. For every shooting star that she saw the gypsy child wished safety and happiness on her friend. The beautiful girl was prepared for her quest.

The rest of the story is quite simple. The beautiful girl left the gypsy people with enough food and water to stay healthy and strong. Usually she followed her intuition and her heart, but sometimes, when things were very hard for her, she followed her fear. Those were the moments of truth, because it took strength to put aside her fear and follow her heart. It took her a little while, but eventually the beautiful girl found her home. It was a wonderful haven with sunshine in the mountains and a bay to the ocean. The beautiful girl was safe, and had enough food that she did not go hungry. When she looked into the harbor and saw her reflection, the girl saw how lovely her face was and how safe her heart was, and she realized that she was happy.

A little about my personality

My family will attest to the fact that I am a very active person.  Whether it's threatening to built a submarine at age 10 or building a motorcycle at age 19, I'm always doing something.  I think that this is how I deal with life, by just filling my time with projects and activities.  

This active personality has driven me to situations where I can have a serious impact on people.  It started when I was 9 and saved a cousin from drowning, and from there I became a lifeguard, ski patroller, and EMT.  I've always been able to save people.  

But I am learning that I cannot always save people.  This week I have been faced with this ugly truth.  When someone is drowning and I swim to them with a rescue tube, they do not push me away and say "I'm fine, I don't need your help."  But real life is not so easy or clear as the lifeguard analogy.  

  

I have painfully been learning this lesson this week.  I have been faced with a friend who needs love and support, but who does not have the humility to admit that she is struggling.  I go to her with open arms, offering her my help, only to have her blatantly deny that she needs encouragement.

  

When I see pain, I want to fix it.  This is not some great virtue or blessing, it is simply a part of my personality.  What I have not learned is that I cannot fix most things; I can only offer support and love.  The virtues that I must learn are to have the humility and faith to know that I cannot fix the pain in the world but God can.  

answers to questions

A few question have arisen over my short career as a blogger, and I'd like to answer those now.

What is mitosis? This happens when the chromosomes (DNA, genetic material) of a eukaryotic cell (that's us, and animals, and plants, etc.) separates into two equal and identical sets of DNA. Then the cell divides and you have two daughter cells each with an exact copy of the parent cell's genetic material. So when your skin cells 'regenerate' because their constantly being sluffed off, this is what is happening. Meiosis, by contrast, is when a cell's genetic material is halfed. That means that each daughter cell has half of the parent cell's genetic material. This is what happens with reproductive cells. Each has half the necessary genetic material for life, so when you put those two halves together...well, you get the idea.

How did Portland get named Stumptown? Apparently back in the days of the old west, Portland was colonized in the middle of a forest. They cut down the trees all around, leaving stump. Portland was like a little city in a sea of stumps, so people started calling it Stumptown.

Anything else anyone would like to know about anything?

post-birthday post

This week has been a struggle to return to my blog, although I've been bursting to share about my birthday. So, 1 week late and on my brother's birthday, sitting on the corner of 13th and High St, drinking espressoish chocolaty frosted goodness, and stealing WiFi from Mcmenamins, I update you.

Last tuesday was my 23rd birthday. I was not excited about this event, and let me tell you why. Most of you already know that my carefully thought out and delicately executed plan of going to nursing school next fall fell through. The way I had figured it, I would go to nursing school from 9/09-12/10, then grad school for my psychiatric/mental health nurse practitioner degree from 6/11-9/12. This would have me graduated and starting my career at age 26, a good time to begin life. Now that I'm not starting nursing school in the fall I won't be finished with my PMHNP degree until I'm 27. Although that is not old, it is an odd number. Odd numbers are messy and not very cool (with the possible exceptions of 15 [start driving] and 21 [start drinking][not together, of course]). Mostly I think that I'm just upset because my plan didn't work out and my mind hasn't adjusted to that yet.

So I wasn't thrilled about my birthday. But I went to Hood River to see Jon and Ben (Ben moved to Oregon a couple of weeks ago). On tuesday we got up early to have Dutch Babies (traditional Wierenga birthday breakfast), then Jon was off to work while Ben and I had coffee in Hood River. We dutifully looked for a coffee shop that would give me free coffee on my birthday, but there was none to be found. For the last 4 or 5 birthdays I've consistently gone to Full City for my birthday drink (then the other Full City location later in the day), and I missed this little tradition.

Next Ben and I jumped on my motorcycle to drive to Stump Town (I just learned the origin of that little nick-name for Portland. Anyone wanna hear?). Ben is 6 foot something, and was wearing jeans and a sweater, but he wasn't the last bit ashamed to hop on my bike for a ride. We took the scenic hwy that goes through the hills and next to all the waterfalls, and it was beautiful. Right as we were getting into Portland a torrential rain storm almost knocked us off the bike. I instantly pulled over that the airport exit, and we parked in the FREE motorcycle parking (next to departures) and rode the MAX to downtown. We briefly saw Jessica for coffee, then spent the evening with Jon (who drove in after work), Jason, Robin, and her friends Amy and Jimmy. We went to The Sauce Box (best happy hour in Portland), Powells, VooDoo Donuts, and Mcmenamins.

It was one of the best birthdays that I can remember. It didn't involve school or work, but it did involve friends, family, good food and drink, and phone calls or text messages from my loved ones who weren't with me. It left me with a warm and fuzzy spot in my heart, and I will always charish this birthday.

A sincere apology and a genuine promise

Last week, as I sat in the soho blue and brown dining room of Zeb and Sarah's Annapolis apartment, breathing in the smell of middle eastern meatballs and familial love, I recieved a bit of shocking news. My dear sister, who is a faithful and talented writer, claims that she has checked my blog every day and apparently has noticed my lack of dedication. A combination of emotions and character traits has lead to this unfortunate occurance. First, I stand apart from my siblings not only in my insatiable love for science but also in my lack of inclination to use writing as an artistic expression. Although I enjoy greatly reading the works of brilliance that issue from my siblings, I'm more inclined to express myself by cooking a phenomenal meal or folding an origami crane. Second, my own "go, go, go" personality does not leave a great deal of free time for writing. Even now I'm shoving down feelings of resentment toward Sarah who has dragged me back into this time consuming hobby. For those of us who lack the inspiring breath of Erato in our ears, a simple blog post can be the work of an entire afternoon. With hard work, however, I may be able to cut this down to a more reasonable time commitment. And thirdly, there is a small amount of fear and intimidation at the thought of trying to live up to the quality of writing exhibited by my siblings.
All of this aside, however, I am making a renewed commitment to be more faithful to Two French Fries Short. I know, at least, that Sarah is reading, and that is enough for me.